


Keep Yourself Alive

by TakeItEezy



Series: Addicted to You [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Attempted Murder, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Gay, Gun Violence, Human Aziraphale (Good Omens), Human Crowley (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, If this stuff upsets you please move on to the next part, Intense, I’ll update the character list as it goes on, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Murder, No Smut, OC, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suffering, Torture, no beta we die like men, this is mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-01-05 20:10:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21214379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy
Summary: Getting better is an uphill battle, especially when you’re haunted by nightmares. Just when Crowley seems to be turning the corner, his past catches up with him. He is forced to face the very reason why he was hospitalized. Will he make it out, or will he be stuck in his past?(Skip this part if you’re uncomfortable with extreme violence)(Crowley’s Past)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a lot less focused on mental illness and more focused on Crowley’s past. It shows drug abuse, but that is more of a secondary issue in this fic. The NEXT fan fiction in this series will be about Aziraphale’s past and his struggle with depression.

“Crowley?” The voice made him blink in confusion. He was on the ground, slouched over, his syringe by his side. “Oh, my dear boy...” The other man knelt down beside him and sighed. “What have you done?”  
“Ziraphale... ‘m sorry. I promise this ‘s the last time-“  
“Crowley, you say that every time.” Aziraphale looked down at him with disappointment. “No more empty promises. I’m sick of them.”  
He felt his face blush as a wave of shame passed over him.  
“Now let’s get you home.”  
He felt the arms of his angel under his back and his knees as Aziraphale picked him up gently. Crowley felt himself being carried through the back streets of Soho until they reached the bookshop. He always took the back way, which was a huge relief to Crowley who had a street reputation to uphold. He didn’t want to be seen in this state. Neither of them spoke a word.  
As soon as Aziraphale put Crowley down onto his bed, he sunk into unconsciousness.  
—  
Crowley woke up to the rustle of pages. At first, he figured it was just Aziraphale reading a book, but when he opened the door and looked into the living room, paper was scattered across the floor. It was as if someone had come in with the purpose of destruction. He had never heard of a bookshop being ransacked for anything, but he supposed that if someone had found out about his boyfriends fortune, it would be a perfect target. But that meant that Aziraphale might be in danger, too.  
“Solomon?” He called out, getting up from the bed and walking out into the main area. It looked as if a tornado had gone off in the apartment, but that was not what worried him. The little splotches of red on the ground leading to his boyfriends room on the other hand...  
He threw open his door and froze. Bee was standing over Aziraphale, a knife in their hand. His pajamas were sliced up, red blood seeping through. His eye was already swelling up, his cheek already turning purple. Henry and Lester were on either side of him, holding him down  
“I’ll know who you are...” he said in his most threatening voice, “and I’ll make sure the police know about you as well!”  
“Oh, I don’t think that will be a problem.” Bee suddenly stabbed downward into Aziraphale’s chest. He gasped, looking down in disbelief, then, as his gaze turned back up, he caught Crowley’s eye.  
“Cr-Crowley...” he said, unable to catch his breath. Bee turned around and marched out the door flanked by their two cronies.  
“I’ll see you a little later, Anthony.” They said in a droning voice. “Maybe the next time I won’t go so easy on you.”  
Aziraphale reached out towards him and he ran into the room, falling onto his hands and knees. He took his hand and kissed it, then put his hands over the wound around the knife.  
“Why did you do this?!” Crowley cried out. They paused. “I didn’t say a word!”  
“But he did.” They pointed the knife at Aziraphale. “He figured it out. He read some of your old papers.”  
“You bastard...” he growled, close to tears. “You absolute bastard.”  
“You did this to him, Crowley.” They looked coldly at him before turning around and leaving the two alone. Crowley presses harder on the wound and Aziraphale cried out in pain.  
“If-if I can stop the bleeding-“ Aziraphale took a shuttering breath as he gently stroked Crowley’s cheek. Then, his hand fell away and Crowley felt him go limp. His chest stopped moving.  
“No...” he whispered, his pushing his hands hard, warm blood spilling through his fingers. “No no no, Aziraphale...” he began to cry, “Aziraphale please don’t go. I’m sorry about everything, I plan to stop going back. I’ll marry you, I’ll do anything, just please... BREATHE!”  
There was no response. No movement.  
“Aziraphale, please...” Crowley sobbed. Aziraphale’s eyes which were once full of intelligence and a bit of mischief were blank, lifeless.  
Solomon Aziraphale was dead. And it was Crowley’s fault.  
Anthony Crowley screamed in pain, sorrow, devastation. He had just lost everything.  
—  
“Crowley...” the voice was faint, but it sounded like...  
“Crowley, wake up!”  
He gasped and shot up, finding himself back in his room, his bed. His throat was raw and his face was wet with tears, but standing next to him was Aziraphale. He scanned his body for injuries and found nothing. Immediately, he leapt up and practically wrapped himself around Aziraphale.  
“Fuck...”  
“You were screaming.” Aziraphale sat down on the bed and held Crowley close to him. “I was so worried that something had happened to you...”  
“I dreamt that-that you were...” he sobbed into Aziraphale’s chest as he hushed him and ran his hands through Crowley’s hair, sending a wave of calm throughout his body.  
“I promise you that I‘m okay, my love.” He said in a soothing voice.  
“I’m sorry for everything.” He hiccuped, gripping Aziraphale’s back tightly. “I’ll try harder, I’ll get better, just give me time.”  
“Take all the time you need, my love. I’ll stay right here with you.” He muttered. “I won’t leave. Not ever.”  
“What-what about that thing you s-said about empty promises?”  
“Oh, my dear boy, I hoped you would have forgotten. I said it out of anger. I didn’t mean it.”  
Crowley sighed, then groaned as he felt a throbbing pain begin in the back of his head. “Fuck, my head hurts.”  
Aziraphale kissed his forehead gently. “I know. Let me get you some water.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m baaaack with another story! This one is more intense than the other one, so strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride! Well. Enjoy is a relative term. I hope this work makes you feel something and hopefully it’s not hatred towards this work.  
Updates will be rather sporadic due to school work piling up, so I’m sorry about that, but I promise I will stay with this until the end. Also sorry about the short chapter. Just wanted to set the mood of the story.  
Thank you! Leave a comment or kudos if you like it! You’ll receive my undying love if you do!  
PS: I know Crowley is a little OOC, but I’ll explain why in the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

Aziraphale was happy. It was a good day.  
That day was Crowley and his anniversary, one year since they had gotten together. While the circumstances of their confession was tainted with violence and hospitals, he still wanted to make that day a special day.  
He woke up earlier than normal in order to surprise Crowley with his favorite breakfast, a waffle with fresh berries and whipped cream with chocolate milk on the side. Of course, he had timed it perfectly.  
As soon as Crowley woke up, Sol was putting the whipped cream on the waffle.  
“Good morning, my love!” He said cheerfully, but Crowley just responded with a grunt. Aziraphale frowned. “Nightmares again?”  
Another grunt of confirmation as Crowley plopped down in his chair.  
“You know, I’ve been thinking...” Aziraphale looked away from Crowley, who was currently cutting up his waffle as his boyfriends cheeks turned a little pink, “would you like to move into my room?”  
Crowley’s head flung up so fast that Aziraphale was shocked he didn’t get whiplash.  
“Are you sure?” Crowley asked. Aziraphale nodded and he smiled. “Of course! I wouldn’t ask you if I wasn’t ready. Plus, maybe it’ll help with the nightmares. I figure having someone with you may calm you down.”  
Crowley smiled back a huge smile, his eyes sparkling with joy.  
“That would be fantastic.”  
As the day went on, it just got better and better for the two men. They had walked through the park and paused for about an hour to feed the ducks. They had gone to antique shops, which made Crowley extraordinary excited. He went in with money and came out with about 200 £ less and an a huge assortment of various little nick-nacks that had nothing to do with anything whatsoever, however all of them had to do with angelic or demonic symbols. Aziraphale went into a new bakery down the street and got several pastries and a slice of cake “for the road”, explaining that the others would be stored in the fridge until the right time. At last, they stopped for dinner at the Ritz. Money was never a problem for them, Aziraphale’s family was one of the richest families in London, so Aziraphale treated himself to a nice, expensive meal while Crowley went cheap, choosing one of the most basic meal on the menu. He liked simple foods, which he always ate extremely quickly. The rest of the dinner, he watched his partner happily eat his meal, enjoying the delight he saw on his face as he took every bite, sipping coffee. However, Aziraphale could tell something was off. Something was wrong.  
“That was simply fantastic!” Aziraphale leaned back after he had finished his desert. “That was absolutely marvelous. We should do this more often.”  
“It took us centuries to get a reservation for today,” pointed out Crowley, “so ‘more often’ isn’t very easy to do.”  
Aziraphale looked down in embarrassment. He half hoped that Crowley would have agreed to make this a monthly routine, but he shrugged off the disappointment and smiled at his significant other.  
“Yes, I suppose you’re right.”  
“Look...” Crowley put his hand over his, his face grim, “if you and I are... really together, I need to share some things with you.”  
Solomon looked up at him, confused.  
“Not here.” He mumbled, scanning the area. “The walls have ears. Well, they don’t but... you get my point.”  
The air was tense as they waited for the check, and Aziraphale was happy to sign off to avoid the feeling of unease about whatever he was implying.  
As they were walking back to the bookshop hand in hand, Aziraphale felt prickling on the back of his neck as if someone was watching him. Suddenly, Crowley gripped his hand very tightly, then leaned over.  
“When I finish saying this, pretend like I said something sexy or funny or something,” he paused “preferably sexy, but we are being followed. Just keep walking. Act normal.”  
A moment after Crowley moved away from Aziraphale’s ear, he looked at him, acting shocked, a little embarrassed, and a little bit flirty. “Oh my, you devilish serpent! Not now. Maybe later.” He winked and watched as Crowley turned bright pink, obviously questioning if he would be willing to do something later in reality.  
Immediately after the door of the bookshop closed, Crowley spun around and locked it, seemingly in a panic.  
“Aziraphale, we need to leave. Now.” He said, dragging his partner up the stairs. “Pack clothes that you don’t wear, the essentials, and no more. We need to blend in with the crowds.”  
“Crowley, what-“  
“DON’T...” he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “Please, don’t ask questions. I can’t answer them, and I don’t have time to make up stories. Now, please, Aziraphale, please be ready in about a half an hour. I’ll get the car. Where’s your gun?”  
Aziraphale pointed to one of his drawers. Crowley leapt over to it and put the gun in his inner jacket pocket. Then, he ran to his room, reached under his bed, and pulled out a fully packed suitcase. Sol began packing as quickly as possible when Crowley ran up to him and took him by the shoulders.  
“Don’t leave the shop, don’t let anyone in the shop, and for heaven’s sake, stay away from uncovered windows.” He kissed his partner on the forehead, then grabbed his suitcase. “If I don’t come back in a half an hour...” he paused, “leave without me.”  
“Crowley, what is going on?” He cried out. “I will never leave without you.”  
“Just... please...” Crowley sniffled and Aziraphale realized he was almost crying. “I need you to be okay. I need you to be safe.”  
“...okay.” Sol said, sighing. “For you, I’ll do it.”  
“Thank you, Aziraphale.” He said, then ran down the stairs.  
A half an hour later, Aziraphale almost cried in relief as Crowley’s old car stopped in front of the bookshop and honked its horn. He grabbed his bags and headed out the door.  
As soon as he stepped outside, he felt something grab him and drag him back into the shop.  
The last thing he saw before the door closed was Crowley getting out of his car.  
“I’ll get your ba-“  
SLAM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This story has a special interest to me and I don’t exactly know why.  
I’m rather tired now, so I don’t really have anything fun to put down here.  
Anyway, gimme kudos if you liked it, and a comment if you loved it! Neither are required, but both make me happy.  
Thanks for reading this!  
PS: Sorry for another lame, short chapter. I’ve not been feeling so good recently, so I guess it is starting to reflect in my work I’m really sorry, guys. I’m really trying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is violence in this chapter, but I guess once you get past the first chapter, you might be expecting it

Aziraphale was thrown roughly onto the ground. Two men grabbed his arms and held him down as he struggled to get back up. Someone stood towering over him.   
“Let me go at once!” He tried to free his arms, but the men were too strong. Then, the person in front of him put their foot on his calf and his eyes widened. “You don’t have to do this. If you want money, I’ll give it to you. I’ve-I’ve got plenty of it-“  
“Shut up.” They said as they stepped down harder. Aziraphale gasped in pain. He heard banging on the door, and he stared at it, hoping that Crowley would come in in time to save him. “I warned him not to talk.”  
“He didn’t tell me anything.” Aziraphale said quickly, shaking his head. “He told me that he wouldn’t or couldn’t tell me-“  
“This is a warning to him.” They droned, then lifted their foot and slammed it down on his calf. He screamed as he felt the bone break under their foot, but all they did was press down harder. “By the way, which of your hands is dominant?”  
Aziraphale didn’t say a word.   
They raised their eyebrows. “Break both arms.”  
“No, wait, he really hasn’t-“   
Crowley came crashing into the bookshop and practically threw the leader off of him. The two men stared, confused as to what to do with their leader gone. He grabbed closest book and slammed it into one of the men’s heads, knocking him out cold, and the other man let go of Aziraphale’s arm, looking nervous.   
“Get out.” Growled Crowley in a threatening voice that even brought chills down Aziraphale’s spine, and the man practically ran out of the shop as Aziraphale tried hard not to cry as he held onto his leg. Crowley ran to him, staring at the injury, then looking up at the leader with pure hatred.   
“Talk, and the next time we come, we won’t be as merciful.” They droned as they straightened their clothes. Then, they left, leaving the unconscious henchman on the floor.   
“Those fuckers...” Crowley muttered, then looked up at Aziraphale. “This is why we needed to go.”  
“My dear boy,” Aziraphale tried to sound as normal as possible, “would you mind helping me up?” Crowley draped his partners arm over his shoulder and pulled them up. They walked as quickly as they could out of the shop. He gently placed Aziraphale in the front seat, then went ran over to the drivers side.   
“Do you happen to know where we are driving to?”   
“Nope.” Crowley said quickly as he turned the car on.   
“Well, I have an idea...”   
About an hour later, (Crowley tried to drive as gently as possible) they arrived at a house right outside of the city. Crowley pulled up as far as he could into the driveway, then got out of the car, ran over to the door and rang the doorbell. When the person didn’t come immediately to open the door, he growled and rang the doorbell at least 10 times before someone opened the door.   
“Yes?” Nathan’s hair was a mess. He was wearing a bathrobe and looked tired as if he was half asleep. As soon as he saw Crowley, he smiled in surprise and glee. “Crowley!”  
“We need your help.” Nathan’s expression turned from happiness to concern.   
“What happened?”  
—  
Crowley and Nathan had been talking for hours. After Nathan had set Aziraphale’s leg and wrapped it up in a makeshift splint, Aziraphale had fallen asleep, exhausted from the pain. Crowley couldn’t help but be worried, so he decided to stay up all night to watch and make sure no one followed. Nathan didn’t want Crowley to be alone after what had just happened, so he stayed up with him, sitting by the door, chatting. Unable to keep it quiet any longer, Crowley began talking. He told Nathan what he had never told anyone, the dangerous story that had almost gotten him and Aziraphale killed.   
“... shit.” Nathan said under his breath.   
“Yeah. I know.” Crowley leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “That’s the truth. You see why I can’t tell anyone?” He looked at Nathan out of the side of his eye almost threateningly. Nathan nodded.   
“Your secret is safe with me.” He looked at Crowley with a steady gaze, unintimidated. “You know I’m not scared of you, right?”  
“You should be.” Crowley suddenly got up and looked out the window.   
“As I said before, you’re safe here.” Nathan rolled his eyes. “No one has been here all night, why do you think they’ll show up the next morning?”  
“Because I know them.” Crowley spun around. “You have an attic or basement?”   
“An attic. Why?”  
“Just in case they come looking and we need to hide.”  
“Crowley, for fucks sake, listen to me.” He got up and grabbed Crowley’s upper arms. “You are safe. There’s an alarm that’s primed and ready to tell us if any door is open or if there are any intruders. Just go the fuck to sleep.”  
“Can’t.” He grunted, then Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head as he walked up the stairs.   
“Well. I am.” He marched up into his room, and as soon as Crowley heard the door shut, he began to pace. He couldn’t believe how reckless he was, just telling Nathan everything. Now, everyone was in trouble. He was being stupid. He knew that sleep would help, but he couldn’t allow himself to fall asleep. What if they came in while he was sleeping? Crowley sat down and leaned back. What... what if...   
The next thing he knew, it was mid afternoon. Crowley bolted up in his chair.   
“SHIT!” He ran into the kitchen only to find Nathan at the counter with his back towards him making sandwiches, and Aziraphale at the table happily eating one.   
“Told you you needed sleep.” Nathan said over his shoulder.   
“You should have woken me up.”   
“But you went to sleep...” Nathan turned to him with a sandwich, which he promptly handed to Crowley, “and nothing. Happened. You’re safe.”  
“What does that even mean anymore?” He muttered as he bit into the sandwich. It was delicious.   
“It means you can stop running.”   
“We... can stop running.” Aziraphale interrupted, looking at Crowley with a strange stare. “What if we stay here?”  
“W-well, I wasn’t saying indefinitely staying at my place-“ Nathan started.   
“No, I know my dear boy! Don’t be silly! We would never ask that much of you. I meant we can move down here.” Aziraphale looked out of the window. “It’s rather nice to get out of the city once in a while.”  
“What about your bookshop?”   
“Oh, I could live without it. I still can buy books, can’t I?” He said with a smile.   
Crowley shook his head. “It’s too slow here. Much too slow.”  
Aziraphale nodded. “The city has always been a little fast for me, but I understand. I love Soho too. It’s my home. Our... home.”   
Crowley nodded. “Our home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry to end this so awkwardly. I just didn’t know how to end this chapter, so I attempted to close it on an okay note?   
Let me know what you think of this! Is it crap? Is it great? Let me know in the comments below!   
Btw, I’m not done with the torture yet hehehe... but that’s for another chapter.   
Comments inspire me to write more quicker, so if you’d like more, write something in the comments below! I answer all of the comments I am able to, so if you comment, I PROMISE I will at least try to respond!   
Kudos are awesome too! Everyone who gives me kudos are gems and I love them   
Thanks for reading and I’ll hopefully see you soon!


	4. Chapter 4

It was about midnight when Aziraphale had gotten to sleep. He had been reading his favorite book, which now lay open on his chest (he hadn’t put it down before he had fallen asleep). His breaths were long and deep as he snored softly.  
Crowley, who was sleeping in the room over, was having a completely different experience, writhing in his bed, pulling his sheets off the bed until he woke up with a scream. The nightmares had never been this bad. They had never involved anyone else. Why did they suddenly have to throw his angel into this hell?  
The first thing he did when he woke up was get up and bolt into Aziraphale’s room to make sure his dream hadn’t somehow impact reality. When he saw him laying on his bed sleeping peacefully and soundly, he let out a breath of relief.  
“Fuck...” he breathed and wiped away the tears that he didn’t even realize had trickled down his face until now. Crowley closed his eyes, then sat on the edge of Aziraphale’s bed, putting his head in his hands. He tried to do breathing exercises, the ones he learned from the hospital, but his heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest. He felt dizzy and lightheaded, exhausted beyond belief. The first real sleep at Nathan’s house, and he was already having nightmares. This was a bad sign.  
“Crowley?” He heard a soft voice from behind him, and Crowley practically cried as he heard him speak.  
“H-hey, Aziraphale.” He tried to muster up a smile and sniffled, holding back tears.  
“Oh, my dear boy, what happened?” Aziraphale gently cupped his face, wiping the tears away.  
“Just... stupid nightmare.” He said, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.  
“Would you like to talk about it?” Solomon’s voice was low and soothing. Crowley sighed.  
“I guess it couldn’t hurt.” He looked intensely at Aziraphale. “It is rather disturbing and dark. Are you sure you want to hear it, angel?”  
Aziraphale smiled. “I think I can handle it. If I can handle you, I can handle anything my dear.”  
Crowley tried to laugh, but all he let out was a bark, then shook his head. “If you insist...”  
—  
Crowley dreamt that he was tied to a chair. In front of him was a post people began gathering small sticks and setting them around the post. When the sticks got bigger and bigger, leaning against one another for support, Crowley suddenly realized that they were building a pyre. Fire didn’t usually scare him, in fact he loved fire, but for some reason, this was different. The situation was filled with dread. He looked at the faces of the people who passed and realized they were people that he had known. Addicts who had turned into friends, friends who had turned into addicts, Henry, Lester, and Alastair. As the pyre was finished, everyone stood back behind Crowley as if trying to give him the best seat. It was no surprise when Bee rounded the corner and stood directly in front of the construct.  
“This is what happens when people defy us.” They said to the audience. Crowley suddenly heard the sound of chains clinking and he looked over to the side. What he saw made his blood turn cold.  
“Aziraphale...”  
Aziraphale was dressed in grey rags that had obviously been white to begin with. He was dirty, tired, and in pain as he was frogmarched to the pyre.  
“Aziraphale!” Crowley screamed, struggling to escape his bonds. The ropes cut into his wrists as he watched his angel be tied to the post. “Let him go,” he begged Bee, but they ignored him, “please let him go... burn me instead! PLEASE!”  
Someone lifted a flaming torch in the air and the audience gasped before clapping excitedly, cheering him on. Crowley was crying, struggling and screaming as he watched the pyre be lit.  
Then...  
He woke up.  
—  
For a moment, Aziraphale was silent, taking it all in.  
“You know that would never truly happen, right?” He asked, searching for the truth in Crowley’s expression. He nodded, but there was a hint of fear still etched into his expression. Aziraphale moved over, then patted the bed next to him. “C’mon in, love.”  
“Are... are you sure?” Crowley asked, looking eagerly at his hand. He had wanted to snuggle up to his angel for so long, but he had never asked. He didn’t want to go too fast for him.  
“Of course.”  
Crowley crawled into the bed and snuggled under the covers. Suddenly, he felt Aziraphale’s arm wrap around his waist as he pulled his boyfriend into an embrace.  
“You are safe, and you are loved.” Aziraphale whispered gently to him, and he felt his tension and fear fade away. For a moment they were silent. Then, Aziraphale loosened his grip and Crowley snuggled with his head on his chest, listening to his angel’s heartbeat.  
Aziraphale is alive, he told himself, Aziraphale is okay, and Aziraphale loves me.  
“What do you think the future has in store for us, Crowley?” Aziraphale muttered, and Crowley hummed as he felt his chest rumble with every word. “Not the scary, pessimistic world in your nightmares. The reality that you would like to live in.”  
“I see us... in a nice apartment.” He started. “Not too far from the shop, but just far enough that if you didn’t want to go in, you wouldn’t have to.” He paused, imagining this perfect universe where they’d be together forever. Where Aziraphale wouldn’t leave the moment he told him why Bee was trying to kill them. Of course, that universe would never exist. What he had done was unforgivable. However, he tried to imagine the best possible world, no matter what. “We’d have a couple of cats who could roam freely throughout the apartment. There would be a room... a type of greenhouse.”  
“I didn’t know you liked to garden!” Aziraphale exclaimed softly.  
“It’s one of my favorite past times, actually.” He explained. “That’s why plants keep appearing in the shop.”  
“Oh...” Aziraphale hadn’t noticed.  
“Anyway, we’d live in a nice, big apartment. One room would be a book room, another a living room, and of course there’s the bedroom.”  
“One... bedroom?” Aziraphale asked, slightly surprised.  
“I-I mean only if-if you wanted it. We could have others-“ stammered Crowley.  
“For guests.” Aziraphale explained. “We could... you know... perhaps sleep in the same bed. If you’d like.”  
“Yes!” Crowley looked up at Aziraphale happily, then settled his head back down and cuddled.  
“We’d have everything we need and want.”  
“That sounds positively lovely.” Said Aziraphale with a happy hum. “I would love that. It sounds perfect. There is, however, one big problem...”  
“What is it?”  
“I don’t know anything about pets.”  
“No?” Crowley looked up at Aziraphale, shocked. “You’ve never had a pet?”  
He shook his head.  
“Not even a fish.”  
Crowley laughed. “Well, you’ll learn rather quickly with a cat. It doesn’t take shit from anyone.”  
They both chuckled at that comment.  
Aziraphale let out a long sigh. “Well, we’d best be going back to sleep.”  
“Mhm.” Crowley held tighter Aziraphale. “Could... could I possibly-“  
“Yes, my love.” Aziraphale kissed Crowley on the top of his head. “Of course you can sleep with me. Tonight, and any other nights you want.”  
Crowley curled up close to Aziraphale’s side, wrapping himself around his angel. He never wanted to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I wanted to write a more fluffy chapter before the big, scary part but for some reason my brain couldn’t stop thinking of that angsty scene, so I had to add it in. It just wanted so badly to come out of my head and onto the page...  
Anyway, sorry this is so late! Been struggling in school and haven’t really had the inspiration to write until now. When I’m supposed to be doing homework. Whoops!  
Well, it got too late anyway, so...  
Yeah!  
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! If you’d like to see more, please comment down below! Y’all give me so much motivation. If you liked this, give me some good old kudos!  
I love you guys, and I hope I’ll see you in the next chapter!  
PS: Sorry for the wimpy ass chapter length. I promise you, it’s just for now. When it starts getting into it, the chapters will DEFINITELY get longer. This is just leading up to it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Torture (but not that bloody, just implied bad stuff) and death

“What’s so awful that it made you run?”   
Nathan asked this question as they were staying up and guarding the door.   
What’s so awful...   
Crowley had tried so hard to forget it, but the memories always came back.   
What’s so awful...  
The life he lived before was one of fear and pain, but that much he was able to tell Aziraphale. He had done some bad things, but he was able to share them. That time was different. It was dangerous. It was scarring.   
What’s so awful...  
He saw it every time he closed his eyes.   
What’s so awful...  
He was just a kid.   
—  
“C’mon, lets go!” Henry tugged on Crowley’s arm. He stumbled after Henry, Lester, and Alastair as they walked through an apartment complex. They had gotten word that someone else was setting up shop selling psychedelic drugs, and Bee wanted it to stop.   
Immediately.   
By any means necessary.   
It was the first time they had let Crowley go on an excursion, so he was rather excited (and slightly scared) of what he might see. They knocked on the door, and a kid about 15 opened the door. He was wearing pajama pants and a white undershirt, his hair unkempt. They had obviously woken him up, despite the fact it was 3 in the afternoon.   
“Joseph Descarto?” Henry asked, and to Crowley’s surprise, the kid nodded his head.   
“That’s me.”   
“Well, we wanna talk to you.”  
“Is this about my parents?” He crossed his arms. “You can tell them ‘no’. I’m still not going back to those deadbeat-“  
“It’s not your parents we’re worried about.” Lester shoved the boy back into the room as the three filtered into the room. He fell backwards onto his tailbone and yelped in pain.   
“Where is it?” Henry growled, standing over him. Joseph’s eyes went wide.   
“I-I don’t know what-“  
Henry balled his fist up into his shirt, yanked him up, and slammed him against the wall.   
“WHERE. IS. IT.” Henry asked through clenched teeth. The kid stayed silent, and he drew back his fist. Joseph flinched.   
“I’ll shove it up your ass.” He kicked Henry in the balls and ducked out of the way, scrambling for the door. Lester blocked his path and punched him in the face. Hard. The kid cried out in pain as Alistair appeared behind him, holding back his arms.   
“You try that again, and we can do a lot more things to make you suffer...” Alistair dragged him into the middle of the room as Henry took out his knife, laughing coldly.   
“If you’re not gonna talk, then what’s the point in having a tongue?” He snickered as Lester forced his jaw open.   
“Whoa whoa whoa...” Crowley stepped between Henry and the boy. “He’s just a kid. You can’t-“   
“Get out of the way, or he’s not the only one who’s going to regret their choices today.” He patted his pocket where Crowley’s pills were stored. Last time, they had locked him in a room with no food, water, or heroin for a day, and Crowley could have sworn that he was almost dead from withdrawal and thirst. He had thrown up so much that his throat burned. He was shivering and sweating at the same time. He had been so paranoid that when they walked into the room, he had huddled in the corner until they were able to calm him down with the promise of oxycodone.   
Crowley stepped to the side, and Henry took one step closer to the boy. The kid started struggling and making noises, trying to talk. Henry waved off Lester and he let go of the boys jaw.   
“They’re... they’re...” he started. Henry stepped closer to him. “Okay! Okay! They’re under the bed in the duffel. Please. I didn’t know there was someone else!”  
“Yes you did.” Lester punched Joseph in the stomach and he screamed. Crowley heard a crack and he flinched. “You asked around. They told you.”  
“Fine! But I was going to move!”  
“But you didn’t.” Henry smiled a crazy smile. “And now we’re here.”   
Alistair let go of him and he fell to the floor onto his knees, slouching over. “I promise, I’ll go. You’ll never hear from me again-“  
“Oh, we’ll make sure of that.” Alistair took out a gun from inside of his jacket, pressed it against the back of his skull, and pulled the trigger.   
—  
Crowley shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked out to his Bentley. It was the middle of the night, but he knew that Nathan and Aziraphale would stop him if he had gone in daylight. As soon as he pulled out of the driveway, he felt an emptiness in his chest. Aziraphale had become his everything, but in order to keep him safe, he had to go back. They wouldn’t even let Aziraphale live if Crowley was dead since they would have seen him as a loose end that needed to be snipped. He had left an apology note on the bedside table and prayed that his partner would see it so that he wasn’t worried.   
Well.   
In a different way.   
As soon as he got to the townhouse, he felt a sense of dread. Alistair was the one who opened the door, which was a small comfort since Henry or Lester would probably have punched a hole in his head as soon as he came back.   
“What are you doing here?” He asked in his baritone voice.   
“I’m here to make amends.”  
—  
“You didn’t tell him about us? You’re joking, right?” Bee looked at him incredulously.   
“I swear.” Crowley slurred, under the influence of a cocktail of drugs that they used as a sort of truth serum. “I told him about... bout me, not-not you guys. You’re like... secondary characters in-in my auto-autobiography, you know?” He laughed and Bee put their head in their hands.   
“Okay. You’ll be allowed back under one condition.”  
“Wha?”  
“We can get to that later. You have your rent and your extra for this month?”   
“Better.” Crowley emptied all of the pockets he had (and there were quite a lot of pockets) and they raised their eyebrows. “An entire years worth.”   
For a moment, Bee just looked at the money, then back at Crowley as if they were bored, however Crowley knew that they were secretly impressed.   
“Give it to him.” They gestured, and Henry, rage making his face red, handed him a small bottle of tablets. Oxycodone. His first dose. He clenched his hand around it, regretting every moment he held it. “Don’t fuck it up and get caught this time.”  
—  
Aziraphale woke up to an empty bed. He groaned in unhappiness and rolled over, calling for Crowley to get back into bed, but when he didn’t come, he looked up to find an empty room as well. He sighed and got out of bed, trying to rub the tiredness out of his eyes as he hobbled downstairs towards the smell of breakfast foods. When he got down the stairs, Nathan was the only person in the kitchen.   
“Good morning.” Aziraphale said in a chipper tone of voice.   
“‘Morning!” Nathan turned around and smiled, a plate of sausage in his hand.   
“Have you seen Crowley this morning?”   
“He’s not with you?”   
Aziraphale went pale. “N-no...” he teared up. “Oh my lord, my love, what have you gotten yourself into?”   
“Hang on.” Nathan turned off the stove, then turned toward him. “It could just be that he nipped out to get crepes. You like those, right?”   
Solomon nodded, looking a little bit less anxious. “But why didn’t he bring me? All of the staff at the crepe place we always go to all know me.”  
Nathan shrugged, looking a little uncertain. “Did he write a note or something about where he went?”   
“I-I didn’t check. Maybe.” He said hopefully.   
“Alright, I’ll check. You stay down here and have some of these sausages. They’re really damn good.”  
Aziraphale sat down at the table and put a sausage on his plate. A few minutes later, he heard Nathan charge down the steps. Immediately, Nathan went over to the closet to get a light jacket.   
“Was there a note?”   
“Yes.” he said, quickly putting on his jacket.   
“What did it say?” Aziraphale asked, but he was completely ignored. “What are you doing, my dear boy?!”  
Nathan zipped up his jacket and grabbed his keys.   
“I’m going to save your stupid boyfriend from making the biggest mistake in his entire damn life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I think this chapter is the best one I’ve done for this story so far. I actually loved writing it and got really into it. In fact, I couldn’t stop writing it!   
Anyway, I know I took a little bit longer than I thought it would. I’ve been really busy and mental health is gone but I’ll be fine. Don’t worry!   
Kudos and comments make me extraordinarily happy and will help inspire me to get chapters out quicker!   
Love you all!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self harm and drug abuse!! Stay safe you guys!

Time seemed unreal to Crowley. He sat in a small room, feeling the effects of the drugs as they made their way through his system. After some amount of time his door flung open and a girl came through the door with a big smile on her face, obviously as high as the space rover on mars. He squinted his eyes and could almost make out the face of...  
“Ezra?”  
“I was sooo wrong about hospitals,” she almost fell on her face, catching herself on the wall, “they just wanna make you worse! They don’t fucking care, am I right, Crowley?”   
Her words pierced through his heart. He had seen her every day at the hospital. She had been trying so hard to stay clean stay away from alcohol, even regularly going to her therapist to get extra time for her to recover.   
“What the fuck happened, Ezra?!” He got up, teetering a little as he walked up to her and grabbed her shoulders. “Wh-what did you... do? What ha-happened to the... the cleanness?”   
She laughed in his face and pushed him away.   
“I’m not drinking, right?” She said before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a small bag of cocaine. “Wanna do a line?”   
Crowley shook his head, realizing the mistake he had made. Aziraphale was gone. He’d never see him again. He gave him up for a house that smelled like vomit and was full of addicts, alcoholics, and their poisons of choice.   
“Fuck...” he whispered, then promptly caught up with Ezra. “I changed my mind. Let’s fuckin’ do this.” He grinned, praying that it would take his mind off of the fact that he had fucked up every single good thing in his life.   
He went around the house, buying ketamine, morphine, oxycodone, anything except for heroin. Heroin reminded of him of the many times that Aziraphale had found him near this complex and carried him gently home.   
He wanted to forget the hospital, and the life he had made for himself after.   
Crowley wanted to forget Aziraphale.  
—  
Meanwhile, Aziraphale was laying on Nathan’s living room couch reading “The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hatstand”. He hadn’t slept since Crowley had disappeared 2 days ago, and his exhaustion was starting to get to him. The pain from his leg had gotten worse, and it was half on purpose as the pain distracted him from his emotions. Every shadow seemed threatening. He half expected Bee to walk in and shoot him at any moment, so he was trying to distract himself in any way possible which (for him) was wine and continuously reading for days on end. A few minutes later, the doorknob to the front door began to move and he looked at it in shock and fear. When Nathan stepped in, he sighed in relief.  
“No luck.” Nathan said, taking off his jacket and putting his keys up on the hook. “I could have sworn he’d be in that area...”  
Aziraphale held back tears and smiled at him. “I’m sure you’ll find him tomorrow! Maybe, I can help-“  
“No way in hell I’m letting you leave this house.” He interrupted putting his hands on his hips as if he was a mother reprimanding her child. “They know what you look like and are probably looking for you, and if they find you, they’re not going to offer you a cup of tea.”  
“Now, there’s no reason to get so tetchy about this, my dear.” He looked up at Nathan over his reading glasses. The other man sighed then went into the kitchen.   
“I’m going to start working. My phone meeting is in about an hour and I don’t need Jeff getting on my ass about an error in my codes.” Aziraphale heard the sound of Nathan taking out his laptop, sighing as he sipped at his wine, sleep-drunk and dizzy with exhaustion. Slowly, his eyes began to close, and for the first time in several days, he let himself drift off.   
—  
Ketamine and morphine had become two of Crowley’s favorite drugs. The dissociation that it caused him made him both extremely relaxed and extremely happy. These times were the only times where he could feel truly happy without his angel by his side. He refused to get sober for even a second of the time he was in the house. His habits and constant use of drugs even made the people he lived with worried.   
“You really need to slow down.” Said Ezra after a few days.   
“You really need to fuck off, that’s what you need to do.” He countered and just like that, she walked away from him and hadn’t spoken to him since.   
Every single person in the townhouse was seriously anxious about his condition except Bee, Henry, and Lester. They let him do whatever he wanted and didn’t give a shit about his health. All they wanted was the money.   
That day started as completely normal. Crowley woke up, not bothering to get dressed, still slightly buzzed from the night before, and went to one of the dealers (and a former friend), Pat.   
“Nah, man.” Pat shook his head. “You need to chill a little.”  
“Chill?!” Crowley growled. “I’m paying you. You get me what I want.” He shoved the money into the other mans hand, but he refused to take it.   
“Crowley, I know you, man.” He said crossing his arms. “Normally, fucked up is good for business, but you gotta look at yourself in the mirror. You’re beyond fucked up.”  
“FUCK YOU!” Crowley screamed, suddenly filled with overwhelming rage, then shoved the man. Pat stumbled back a few steps, then held up hid hands.   
“Listen, I’ll let that one slide-“  
“YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DICKBAG.” He shoved Pat again, but this time, Pat shook his head and sighed.   
“I warned you.” He said before punching Crowley in the face, hard, but not too hard as to knock out his teeth. Pat shoved him and he fell to the floor. He felt the kick before he saw it and instantly curled up on his side, crying out. However, instead of continuing, he picked Crowley off the ground, dragged him down the stairs, and threw him out of the door.   
“Come back when you’re sober.” Pat said over the roaring of the traffic. Then, he slammed the door and Crowley was on his own.   
“Crowley?”  
—  
Nathan was at his wits end. He had looked through the streets where Crowley would frequent, at least the stops Aziraphale knew about, and had finally given up when he heard a voice.   
“Come back when you’re sober.” He saw someone on his ass in front of a townhouse. The man wore all black but his clothes looked like rags. It was obvious that the man was extremely malnourished, and a bruise was forming on his cheek from a recent altercation. That silhouette... it was unmistakably-  
“Crowley?”  
Crowley looked at him in shock, his eyes slightly glassed over and red from all of the drugs in his system.   
“Nathan, what the fu-“  
Nathan ran over to him, pulled his arm across his shoulder, and lifted him up.   
“C’mon, you idiot. Let’s get you home.”  
“Get away from me,” he snapped, trying to pull away from Nathan’s grip, but the grip only tightened, “this is my home now.”   
“If you really think that, then you’re even dumber than you look.” Nathan said in a slightly playful tone before pulling them into an alleyway which lead them into a small parking lot where his car was parked. Finally, Crowley was able to get free and made a run for it. “Nope. You’re so getting detoxed when we get you back.”  
“GET OFF OF ME!” He screamed, then Nathan simply shoved him into the backseat, and before Crowley could get out, he put the doors on child lock so that they could only be opened from the outside.   
“And off we go.” Nathan said as he pulled out of the parking lot and into London traffic, which was surprisingly light. Within a half of an hour, they were home.   
And Crowley had passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! How’s it goin’? My school work is making me go insane. It’s a rough time in the semester for me, but I’m trying my best in school and for you guys. You all, my lovely readers, are wonderful and kind and I hope you’ll like this enough to wait for a next chapter!  
Kudos are fantastic, and comments are awesome, but I love you even if you don’t comment or give kudos.   
Love you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Gore (sort of), plenty of blood, needles, drug use implied, PTSD

“Let me the fuck out!” Crowley slammed his fists on the door. It had been three days and he hadn’t fully recovered, which worried Aziraphale. He would sometimes scream Aziraphale’s name and he felt a twinge of shame as he just let Crowley cry until he passed out from exhaustion. This was not the first time the angel had had to deal with the detoxification of his significant other, but that didn’t mean it got easier over time. Watching Crowley suffer was almost unbearable to him, but he knew that if it didn’t happen, he’d end up back where he had left, the old crackhouse near the bookshop.  
It was pretty late when Aziraphale looked at the time, and Nathan hadn’t come down to make dinner or remind anyone to. Crowley had finally been able to calm down, and the only thing that persisted was a slight fever. He would usually wear a bathrobe with warm clothes underneath to try to warm himself up.  
Nathan hadn’t come down, and that’s when he knew something was wrong. He awkwardly managed to drag himself up the stairs without help, then knocked on Nathan’s door. He was rewarded by sobs and the door didn’t open, so Aziraphale thought that it was okay for him to come in.  
Nathan was curled up in the middle of the bed into a small ball, his arms around his knees, pulling them close to his chest. He was laying on his side, frantically saying something in a foreign language that he didn’t understand. Then, he let out a sob in what sounded like pain, and finally Aziraphale couldn’t take it.  
He went over to Nathan and tried to shake him awake, but instead Nathan sat up quickly, put his arm into a joint lock and pulled on it as if he was trying to snap it. However, when Aziraphale let out a cry of pain, Nathan blinked, his glazed eyes clearing up.  
“Z-Zira?” He sat up, wiping his eyes and shaking him out of his trance. “You shouldn’t have come in here.” His voices was stern, but he relaxed almost immediately. “What time is it?”  
“19:00.”  
“Oh shit!” Nathan bolted up. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize-“  
“My dear boy, you have nothing to apologize for! You were... busy.” He said hesitantly.  
Nathan helped Aziraphale climb down the stairs and went straight into the kitchen.  
“I’ll make crepes as an apology and a thank you.” He said, smiling, but Aziraphale could see that he was still shaking. Still crying.  
“You will do no such thing!” Aziraphale guided him to a chair and gestured for him to sit down. Hesitantly, Nathan obliged and Solomon sat in front of him. “What happened?”  
“It’s... really not a big deal.” Nathan shrugged, but Aziraphale gave him a look and he relented, putting his head in his hands. “I’m... remembering things I should have forgotten. Things I saw, things I did...”  
“That wasn’t your fault at all!” Aziraphale leaned over the table and squeezed Nathan’s upper arm. “You can’t escape what happened to you, I understand that, however you mustn’t let it break you. I am here for you. Crowley is here for you.” Nathan sighed and calmed down as Aziraphale took his hand. They hadn’t noticed that Crowley had managed to leave the room.  
“Aziraphale...” Aziraphale spun around and Crowley was standing at the top of the stairs, looking horrified and betrayed. “Did you bring me back here to gloat about your new boyfriend? To show him off to me?”  
“Crowley, don’t be ridiculous-“  
“Oh, I see,” he walked slowly down the stairs keeping his eyes fixed on Nathan, “he was there for you when I was off in the drug den.” He barked out a cold laugh. “You didn’t really care, if I came back, did you?”  
“Nathan is nothing more than a friend! I swear.”  
“Shut it.” Crowley hissed. “I’m going out, and if you follow me, so help me god, I might do something I know I’ll regret.” He grabbed his coat and slammed the door behind him.  
—  
Crowley sped through the streets of London, weaving in and out of traffic. The other drivers honked and screamed obscenities at him, but he paid little mind to it. He didn’t even plan his trip. He just drove. The path that he took lead him down the familiar streets of Soho before he arrived outside of the bookshop. It looked a little bit shabby, but to Crowley, it looked like the best place on the planet. It looked like home.  
As Crowley walked in, he took in the smell of old books and went over to the desk. The book that lay on top of the desk had a strange name. It was called “Guns, Germs, and Steel”, and even just looking at the cover made him bored. He leaned back and closed his eyes, but he was still restless. His anger was starting to get worse again when he growled in anger at the bookshop. It reminded him of Aziraphale, his angel had betrayed him. Crowley wanted nothing to do with him, but for some reason, he couldn’t leave the familiarity and the comfort of his old home. He loved Aziraphale. He loved the bookshop. He couldn’t help himself.  
Crowley got up and walked back to his car, yanking the door to the front seat open violently, as the sky was starting to get darker. As soon as he got in the car, he knew exactly where he wanted to go.  
It wasn’t a far drive, and was actually quite a pleasant ride. At last, he pulled up into a wooded area and parked his car in the parking lot in the middle of the park. When Crowley got out of the car, he breathed in the calming air and walked into the woods.  
A few minutes later, he found himself in a clearing. The same clearing they had gone to when Crowley had gotten out of the hospital. He laid down in the same spot that he had all those years ago and closed his eyes, starting to drift off when his phone began to ring. When he saw the caller ID, he growled and declined the call and set his phone on “Do Not Disturb”. Nathan wouldn’t be able to ruin his moment. Not ever again. After a little bit, Crowley realized he had dozed off. He checked his phone and saw that he had gotten no less than 10 voicemails from Nathan. He took a deep breath and prepared himself to hear bullshit about their relationship, but what he got was completely unexpected. Some of the calls were just Nathan hyperventilating, others were him whispering for him to come back. His final message was what made his blood run cold.  
“Aziraphale... he’s... gone... please, Crowley, please come back.” He said, gasping into the phone.  
As soon as he heard the message, he grabbed his coat from the grass next to him and practically ran to the car. Once he got to Nathan’s house, he immediately saw that something had gone very wrong. The door was wide open as if someone had burst through. As he got out of his car and closer to the doorway, he noticed a small trail of blood going back to right where his car was parked.  
Slowly, he stepped inside, trying to make as little noise as possible. If even one of Bee’s crew were still here, they’d be after him in a second as soon as they heard a floorboard creak.  
The entire house was in shambles. This was not only a kidnapping, the whole plan was made to terrify Crowley. And, boy, was it working.  
He heard a sound in the kitchen and went in as slowly and as quietly as possible. As soon as he got in, he saw Nathan and his eyes widened in horror.  
Nathan was an utter mess. His hairline was caked in blood and his arm had been badly sliced by an extremely sharp weapon. Probably Alistair’s stupid knife. He was using the wall as support to keep him in a sitting position. His good arm was covering his face, shielding his eyes from the harsh lighting. A pool of blood dripped under his bad arm which was still bleeding.  
Crowley stepped one step forwards, then as soon as he got up to his side, Nathan shoved a gun into his face.  
“Don’t. Move.” He growled until he looked up and saw who it was. His face fell and he looked away. “Crowley, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know-“  
“‘S my fault, really.” He knelt down next to Nathan and looked at the wound on his arm. “I left you two alone full well knowing that they might come.”  
Nathan looked at him and shook his head, sighing. “I should have been prepared. I let my guard down and gave them the opportunity-“ he winced and put his bad arm in his lap. “Could you go into the bathroom? I have a kit-“  
“You’re gonna need more than that.” Droned Crowley, but Nathan just looked at him and raised his eyebrow.  
“I have a thread and needle for this express situation in that kit.”  
Crowley’s face went white as a sheet.  
“Don’t worry,” he chuckled softly and painfully, “I can do it myself. Just get me out of this... damned shirt.”  
Crowley helped lift the shirt over his head and instantly blushed. Nathan was fucking ripped. He couldn’t blame Aziraphale for leaving him for that body.  
As he was looking in the bathroom, he heard Nathan clear his throat.  
“You do realize...” Nathan let out a grunt of pain as he shifted to face Crowley, “that Aziraphale would never leave you.”  
“But-“  
“What you saw was him using an exercise that is used for...” he paused, “for people with PTSD. It brings us back to reality.”  
Crowley thought back to the conversation he heard before and remembered something about a war.  
“Were you a soldier?”  
“Worse. I worked with the MI5 to deal with... relatively foreign threats.”  
“You’re... are you serious?” Crowley looked over at him, trying to see if he was lying. He was not.  
“Yeah. Killed some people, all in the name of national security.” Breathed deeply as Crowley finally came back with the kit. “Ruined a lot of lives.”  
He opened the kit with one hand and Crowley helped him clean off the wound with alcohol wipes before he prepared the needle with shaking hands. He hated needles so much. Even shooting up, despite the fact he loved the high, terrified him and he had to close his eyes when he actually put the needle under his skin.  
Crowley looked at Nathan and the injured man gave him a confident smile.  
“I can do this. Just give me the needle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo guys, gals, and nonbinary pals! I’m pretty sure this is the longest chapter so far in this fic and I’m pretty proud of it. I’ve been really busy with school and should probably be doing homework, but it’s okay! I can try to do both! I’ve been doing it well so far, so I can bullshit some stuff for homework to get it done ASAP so I can write more.  
I am so happy that you have decided to read this fic! Every single reader is awesome and amazing and I love you.  
Leave me a comment or kudos if you liked what you read! It always gives me motivation to see that people care about it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: VIOLENCE, GORE, TORTURE

So... how are we gonna get him back?” Nathan was sitting at the table, his arm wrapped in bandages and a cup of tea sitting in front of him.   
Crowley grabbed a pair of sunglasses that Aziraphale had bought for him and adjusted them on his nose. “I have a plan, but it’s a bad one.”  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. When Crowley looked through the hole to see who it was, he saw no one there and decided it was safe for him to open the door. Just as he was about to open it, a folded note was slipped under the door. He picked it up, unfolded it, read it, then sighed.   
“Nathan, I have a new idea.” He called. “They’re here, and I’m gonna go with them.”  
“Wait WHAT?!” Nathan’s chair crashed to the ground. Crowley tried to grab his black jacket and run, but Nathan grabbed him by the arm.   
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you moron?!”   
“Saving my boyfriend, what are you doing?”   
“You are NOT going out there, you hear me?”   
“Oh, now you’re being no fun at all. Where’s your sense of danger and excitement?” Crowley said with an amused tone of voice.   
“My sense of excitement is staying safe.”   
“But where’s the fun in that?”  
Nathan ran his good hand through his hair and sighed. “God, you’re almost as hardheaded as he is. When you two set your minds on something, it’s fixed. Just take this.” He handed Crowley the pistol that Aziraphale had had in his drawer. He shook his head.   
“They’ll search me. Plus, best for you to keep one on you just in case they come back.”   
“Oh, if they’re coming back, I’ll be ready with or without the gun.”  
“Yeeeah, but I’m not a gun guy so...” he leaned back and shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. On that note, Crowley flashed Nathan his signature grin and walked out of the house.   
As soon as Lester and Henry stepped out of the black vehicle that had been parked in the driveway, he opened his arms and said, “Hello, boys! Did you miss me?”  
They roughly grabbed his arms and shoved him in the backseat where he was sandwiched between the two of them. He looked down and saw that Lester had nice black shoes on. It would be a shame if someone...  
“Ow!” Lester grabbed his leg in pain as Crowley stepped on his foot as hard as he could.   
“Sorry, I-I-I couldn’t help it. The car was moving and I slipped-“   
“Fuck you!” Lester slapped Crowley in the face and tried to fix his now scuffed and dirty black shoe.   
“Soooo, are we going to Disneyland?”  
The old Crowley was back.   
—  
Aziraphale woke up and groaned, his head pounding.   
“Ergh...”  
“Good morning.” He heard a deep voice say in a rather unamused tone. He looked up to see that he was sitting in a room that looked like it was a large shed. The floor was concrete, the walls were brick, and the ceiling looked like it was some sort of metal. It looked like this building had been neglected for years by the vegetation on the ground which had grown through cracks in the floor.   
When he tried to bring his hands up to his head, he found that they had been handcuffed to a metal ring in the concrete. His legs were laid out in front of him, so he still had them, but that was little comfort. He tried to remember how he had gotten there, but all he could remember was that he was in Nathan’s house, then he woke up here.   
Aziraphale looked up at the man and gulped. He was practically twice his size in muscle and several inches taller than Aziraphale if he was standing up. Now, the man was looming over him, and he looked enormous.   
“Hello.” He said, nodding politely to the man despite the fact that doing so made him extremely dizzy. “I don’t believe we’ve met before.”  
“We haven’t.” He said briskly.   
“Well. My name is-“   
“I don’t care.” He cut Aziraphale off and they sat in silence for a minute.   
“Could you at least tell me your name?” Aziraphale asked, slightly annoyed.   
“Alistair.” Alistair went out of the room and came back with a chair and a stick. He sat on the side wall which left the doorway completely open. Aziraphale struggled in the handcuffs to see if they’d unlock or the mechanisms were faulty, however this was not the case. A wave of pain hit him from his broken leg as Alistair kicked it. Aziraphale felt the bone crack again, and he screamed.   
“Don’t try that again.” Alistair sat back down and took out a hunting knife, beginning to whittle the stick that he had brought in, small bits of wood falling onto the floor as he worked. Suddenly, he got down on his knees in front of Aziraphale, and for a second he felt hope that this man would have sympathy for him and smiled. But there was no such luck.   
Alistair punched him in the face, making Aziraphale’s head collide with the wall. He cried out in pain, and Alistair smiled.   
“Your cries are nice.” He told Aziraphale as the man hung his head. “I’d love to hear them again in a little bit. But I’ll give you time to rest. It’s best when you’re not expecting it. And when you’re still conscious.”  
“Oh, goodie.” Aziraphale sarcastically mumbled to himself. “I have that to look forward to in the future.”  
—  
As soon as the car pulled up to the abandoned shed, Crowley felt himself tense up. He wasn’t sure what he’d find in the shed, and all he was praying was for Aziraphale to be alive. Henry dragged Crowley out of the car and shoved him into the shed. He did a quick scan of the room and found a stray pipe a few feet away from where he stood. When he saw Aziraphale, he felt his blood boil.   
Aziraphale’s left eye was black and his leg had been obviously re-broken. Other than that, he looked intact, but Crowley knew that the stress from today would definitely scar him for life.   
As soon as Alistair saw Crowley, he walked over to Aziraphale’s side and grabbed a crowbar.   
“Did you tell someone about us?” He said in his monotone voice.   
“No.” He lied, watching Aziraphale anxiously.   
“Have it your way.” Alistair took out a gun. “Let’s play hangman.”  
The blood drained from Crowley’s face.   
“No, w-wait, don’t-“  
Alistair grabbed went over to Aziraphale and stomped on his good leg. It broke with a sickening crack, and the poor man screamed, visibly shaking. Crowley tried to run to his side, but Henry and Lester grabbed his arms so he could only watch as his partner fought against the cuffs that chained him to the floor.  
“Each time you lie, he loses another limb.”  
“STOP IT!” Screamed Crowley, his eyes watering.   
“Who did you tell about us?”   
“I didn’t tell him anything, just let him go!”   
Alistair grabbed the stick and bashed it into Aziraphale’s right arm, but his scream was more muffled by sobs this time.   
“STOP IT! PLEASE!” Crowley screamed, struggling as hard as he could against the other men.   
“He’s telling the truth!” Cried Aziraphale. He was shaking and sobbing as the pain overwhelmed him.   
“I’m done playing games.” Alistair put down the stick and picked up the gun. The armed man unlocked Aziraphale’s handcuffs and he fell against the wall behind him, writhing in pain. With a roar, Crowley finally shook off Henry and Lester, sprinting to the side of the room and grabbed the pipe.   
He bashed Henry in the head as he ran towards Crowley, who then side-stepped to avoid being grabbed by Lester. Lester slammed his head into the wall, then stumbled and fell to his knees, holding his head in pain. Suddenly, he someone kick the back of his legs, knocking him down. He was pushed into the disgusting floor and pinned down under someone’s knee. Goddamnit, he had forgotten about the driver, Damian.   
“Crowley, the last time we tried to teach you, it wasn’t good enough.” The voice was a familiar high pitched drone, one that he had heard so many times before.   
“Bee, you fucking bitch, I’m going to KILL YOU!” Crowley felt the ground for his pipe, and Damian grabbed his arm, putting him in an arm lock. He growled in frustration.   
“This time, I hope the message gets through that thick skull of yours and actually stays.”   
Alistair pointed his gun at Aziraphale’s chest.   
“Don’t you dare-“  
“N-now hang on a minute,” Aziraphale said, pale as a ghost and slurring his words from the pain , “th-this is getting a little bit out of-“  
A shot rang out and Crowley screamed out for Aziraphale.  
But nothing happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know this chapter is SUUUPER short but I just wanted to bang this one out for you. I’m in the middle of a really REALLY stressful and hard time in the middle of the semester (in fact, I’m taking a break from homework right now. Woohoo all-nighters(sarcasm)). It’s making me really anxious and I still have several assignments to do before Monday or Tuesday, and WHOO it’s just... so much.  
Anyway. No more complaining. The next chapter will be. A little sad, but you’ll see some repeat characters and some new ones. It’s gonna be about Aziraphale’s backstory. These chapters are both about their pasts coming back to haunt them, but this time they have someone they care about. Whether it’s good or bad, it depends.  
Okay, I’ve gotta continue my homework now.  
Plz leave comments or kudos if you like this! Love you all!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: HOSPITALS, VIOLENCE, DEATH

Alistair looked up in shock.  
It was obviously not him.  
Crowley heard a body hit the floor and saw Aziraphale relax when he looked at the figure who had shot the gun.  
The man who had been holding Crowley down let go for a minute, giving him the time to squirm free and grab the pipe. He bashed it into Damien’s head, knocking him off and allowing Crowley to get up and bash his head hard enough to knock him out. It was then that he saw who the gun belonged to.  
Nathan was standing behind Bee’s dead body, the pistol that Crowley had left at the house in his hand. Alastair knelt down and pressed the gun against Aziraphale’s head.  
“You move, and I’ll shoot.”  
“No, you won’t.” Nathan took the shot and it landed directly in between Alastair’s eyebrows. His dead body fell to the ground. Aziraphale’s eyes closed and Crowley ran to him.  
“No...” Crowley knelt next to him, gently tapping his face, trying to wake him up. He didn’t budge. The next thing he knew, Nathan appeared on the other side and took his pulse.  
“Weak, but still there.” He took his cellphone out of his pocket and threw it at Crowley who was frozen in fear and shock. “Call 999, tell them my address.”  
“Wh-“  
Nathan picked up Aziraphale, bridal style and walked quickly towards the door.  
“C’mon let’s MOVE!” Crowley got up on shaking legs and dialed the numbers on the phone. Nathan placed Aziraphale in the back seat, laying him down gently. Crowley stuttered into the phone Nathan’s address and hopped into the passenger side, unable to stop shaking as Nathan turned on the car.  
The drive was the fastest and most chaotic ride that Crowley had ever experienced in his life. He drove at least twice as fast as Crowley, which was saying something. They arrived at Nathan’s house in about 2 minutes. As soon as they stopped, Nathan leapt out of the car, opening the back door and picking Aziraphale back up.  
“Get the door.” Nathan commanded and Crowley did as he was told, still in shock.  
Nathan laid Aziraphale on the couch and swore.  
“You know what to do to reset the breaks. His leg needs attention first.” He hissed in pain, grabbing his (once again) bleeding arm, and disappeared.  
When the ambulance came, there was no time to wait around to look for Nathan, so off they went.  
—  
Over the next few weeks, Crowley practically lived in the hospital. Nathan came by pretty often, bringing little gifts for both Aziraphale and Crowley.  
“I know you both are going to need time to heal from the trauma you’ve been through,” Nathan said when asked why he was giving Crowley gifts, “so it’s the least I could do.”  
On the last day, something rather surprising happened.  
When Nathan walked through the door, he had a devilish look in his eyes.  
“What is it?” Crowley sighed, pushing his sunglasses further up on his nose. When Nathan stepped to the side, Crowley’s jaw dropped.  
In walked Ezra, her hair a mess and her face pale. She looked down at her shoes, unable to look Crowley in the eyes.  
“Hey guys.” She said, and Crowley growled.  
“You guys are crazy if you think-“  
“No no no!” She looked up and shook her head. “It’s not like that!”  
“Then what is it? Are you here as a kiss-o-gram?” He snorted. Her face went red.  
“I’m here for Aziraphale.” She muttered and Nathan stepped up beside her, obviously a little angry.  
“She came to my house after you left.” Nathan crossed his arms, glaring. “She wanted to see you. To make sure they didn’t get to you. She told me she would get better and she did.”  
“I’ve been sober for 2 weeks,” she said, “because I wanted to see Aziraphale, and I wanted to HELP. I guess I shouldn’t have-“  
“No, no, I get it,” Crowley stopped her, sighing, “Nathan wouldn’t have brought you here if he didn’t believe you’d play nice.”  
“Hey,” Nathan perked up, “it wasn’t just me. She worked her ass off for you. Give her some fucking credit.”  
“Fine. Thank you.” Crowley spat out.  
She walked over to Aziraphale’s side when he began to stir. He woke up and blinked a few times, trying to stay conscious as he looked up at the new face in the room.  
“Ezra, my dear!” He smiled. “What a pleasant surprise!”  
“I tried to warn you.” Her eyes began to water up. “When I found out, I tried to stop them-“  
“You failed.” Crowley said, glaring at her.  
“Thank you!” Aziraphale said nodding his head, then gave Crowley a death stare.  
“Nathan said he’d put me up, so I’ve moved in.”  
“Moved in?” Aziraphale looked at Nathan, amused as Nathan blushed. “Really?”  
She nodded, wiping her eyes.  
“I’m getting better!” Ezra said, almost begging for praise. “I really am!”  
“I know, my dear! And I’m so proud of you!” Aziraphale took her hand and Crowley crossed his arms, jealous.  
“I got a letter from Judy the other day and she said she misses you.” Ezra took out a folded up piece of paper.  
As Aziraphale and Ezra were conversing, Crowley saw Nathan in the corner, his head in his hands, covering his face. He walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder. Nathan grabbed his hand with a crushing grip and proceeded to put Crowley in a painful joint lock. He yelled in pain as Nathan looked up at him, then at his own hand as though he wasn’t in control over it.  
Crowley yanked his hand out of Nathan’s grasp and glared at him.  
“What the fuck was that for?!”  
“I’m- I’m sorry I-“ Nathan blushed in shame, then got up, “I have to go.”  
He hurried out the door as Crowley held his wrist.  
“Strange.” Crowley muttered.  
“Alright, Mr. Aziraphale,” a nurse had appeared in the doorway and rushed towards the hospital bed, “here are your discharge papers.”  
“Oh thank fuck.” Crowley muttered under his breath.  
“Yes, dear,” Aziraphale said without looking up, “I’ll be out of here in a jiffy and we’ll be able to finally go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know this is my shortest chapter by far but a lot of stuff happened so I hope that makes up for it a little? Plus, I’m doing this while I’m under a lot of stress due to finals and papers that I haven’t written. I’m going to write the next chapter sometime next week because I NEED some time to focus on just my schoolwork. Although, this story is just about done. There will be another story in this series, but this storyline has only one or two chapters left.  
By the way, if you want a disgustingly sweet read that is filled with fluff, go check out my new story! It’s an LGBTQ story with a trans character, so I hope you like it!  
Comments and kudos fuel my work, so if you want to see more of this story, you know what to do!


	10. Chapter 10

For a few weeks, Aziraphale was still stuck in bed. It was rather painful for him to walk, so Crowley tended to him as best he could, getting him his favorite foods, giving him pain killers, making him as comfortable as possible. At nights, Crowley slept in Aziraphale’s bed. He said that he just wanted to make sure his partner was safe. “So I don’t have to kick anyone’s ass and if so, I’d be able to do it immediately”, he said, but Aziraphale knew that it was because of the nightmares. There wasn’t a night where Crowley didn’t wake up in the middle of the night crying. He tried to hide it, but Solomon could always tell.  
When Aziraphale was well enough to walk around again, the tension seemed to ease up. Crowley’s nightmares had gotten less and less frequent as the days went on as he began relaxing into his (now safe) new life, his sober life, a life with Solomon Aziraphale by his side. They never mentioned or acknowledged what had happened since they both figured the other wouldn’t want or be able to talk about it.  
Something that he didn’t account for, however, was that he wasn’t the only one with nightmares.  
—  
It was the middle of the night when Aziraphale finally got the nerve to call Nathan. Within one ring, Nathan picked up.  
“Is everything alright, Zira?” Was the first thing Nathan said when he answered the phone. Aziraphale chuckled quietly. Nathan knew him all too well.  
“I’ll take that as a no.” Nathan said as Aziraphale heard rustling on the other end.  
“I’m so sorry for calling so late. Did I wake you?” Aziraphale blushed in embarrassment. How could he have been so foolish, calling someone in the middle of the night?  
“‘Course, but I’m happy you did. I was sleeping on the couch.”  
“Oh dear...”  
“Oh no, it’s not that I’ve been kicked out of my bed or anything.” Nathan snorted. “Ezra and I haven’t slept together. Just fell asleep watching my shows.”  
“Ah.”  
“I’ll be over in a little bit.”  
“I’ll see you then. I have some rather nice tea that I’ll think you’ll like.” Aziraphale was more of a hot cocoa person, but he knew about tea and enjoyed it once in a while.  
A few minutes passed before there was a quiet knock on the door. Aziraphale opened it and Nathan smiled at him then promptly walked in.  
“So, what’s on your mind?” Nathan asked. They were sat in the back room of the shop, Aziraphale drinking cocoa and Nathan sipping at his tea.  
“Well, I... I just needed to get something off my chest.”  
“Spit it out.” Nathan sipped at his tea and hummed. “You were right about the tea.”  
“I’m very glad.” Aziraphale’s smile was fake and forced and he knew that Nathan knew.  
“So what’s up?”  
“Well, I’ve been... having dreams.”  
“Oh?” Nathan raised an eyebrow.  
“They keep taking me back. I can still feel the pain. It’s simply dreadful, and I didn’t know what to do.”  
“Well, you called the right person!” Nathan smiled. “I’ve been dealing with that shit for so long. You learned how to push past that in our hospital visit, right?”  
“Right now, all I’d like is a bit of company, so, if you could stay-“  
“I’m not going anywhere.” Nathan smiled, then got up. “But we need one more piece of this puzzle.”  
Nathan ran up the stairs, then appeared a few minutes later dragging a half asleep Crowley with him.  
“What-“  
“Okay, you two.” Nathan clapped and Crowley flinched, the sharp noise shaking him out of his sleepiness. “You are going to talk. I will be here to monitor, but you have to talk about what happened.”  
“I think it’s best if we-“ Aziraphale started, but Nathan interrupted.  
“If you said ‘don’t talk about it and move on’, I swear to god I will walk out of that door.”  
Aziraphale closed his mouth.  
“Now, talk.” Nathan gestured to both of them and sat them down on the couch together.  
For a few minutes, there was silence. Neither one of them wanted to upset the other, but on the inside, both wanted desperately to talk.  
“I’m worried they’ll come back for you.” Crowley finally broke the silence. “Or me.”  
“Oh, my dear boy...”  
Thus, their heartfelt and troubling thoughts came pouring out to one another as if they were unable to stop. Nathan smiled.  
“My work here is done.” He said with a smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes, getting up and heading out. Before he reached the door, Crowley called out to him.  
“Er... I just wanted to... I wanted to tell you... thank you.” As Crowley said the last two words, he blushed deeply and looked down.  
Nathan clapped his hands. “Finally, someone who appreciates my cleverness!”  
“Oh, shut up.” Crowley rolled his eyes. “Don’t let it get to your head.”  
Right after Nathan left, Aziraphale reached for Crowley’s hand, which he accepted with a smile. Solomon then inched his way over to Crowley and rested his head on his shoulder. After a few minutes, Crowley began dozing off.  
“Crowley?” The voice of his partner shook him out of his very light sleep.  
“Hm?”  
“I think we can get through this.” Crowley smiled at this comment.  
“Of course we can. As long as we are together, I promise I will do my best to get better.”  
“As will I.” Aziraphale looked up at Crowley. “We will recover together.”  
“Together.” Agreed Crowley as they both slowly drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
Tadaaaa!! I hope you like the ending! I’m building up for another fic in this series though so I hope you guys stick around for that one, too! The next one is gonna be a lot more mental health oriented. It’s going to have some depressing bits (of course), but I promise I’ll try to make it as well as possible. It’ll be a wild ride and my mind is already teeming with ideas for it. I’ll most likely get the first chapter started next week.  
Have a great day! I love you all!  
Kudos and comments always make me smile, so if you like it, go ahead and give me some love!


	11. Sequel

Hey guys! I forgot to say that there IS a sequel called “Who Wants To Live Forever”! It’s up and running on my page, so if you like this, go check that one out!


End file.
